BROMANCING THE BEER BABE

April 29, 2013

NOTE: Another unpublished piece. This one was too product heavy that it smacked of PR. I tried not to make it sound like spin so this is the little gremlin that came out. I’ve also put back all the parts that would have been cleaned out in a “respectable” publication.


The COLT 45 Beer Angels are a guy’s best drinking buds. With girl parts. 

Magnum, Hallertau and Nugget may sound like spy names from a bad Ian Fleming rip off, but in the context of beer hops they sound way sexier.

Colt 45’s newest celebrity endorsers are Denise Laurel, Bela Padilla and Cesca Litton. They’ve been tasked to embody the three kinds of hops in the new beer variant from Asia Brewery. Put in a most succinct, action-packed way in the 45 seconds TV commercial that’s been airing since early this month (sometime late 2012).

If you haven’t actually seen the TVC, then go on and click the video link to behold this trifecta of booze, sex, and leather-clad physicality.


BELLA

In a bar full of guys bored with their weak drinks, Padilla opens beer caps with her bo stick, Litton deftly throws bottles from her hip holsters to have them land on tables, and Laurel executes whip grabs from the air. You won’t need beer goggles to enjoy that at all.

With the aid of wushu experts and weapons specialists, what I just saw in those 45 seconds is the idea of Tunay na Lalake crossing over, doing an Azumi-worthy backflip, into a near complete 180, co-opted by, yes, girls. Extra rice? Hell no, extra beer it is.

Asia Brewery calls it, the first premium roasted malt beer. A cursory glance at brew sites informs me that the Hallertau hop is used to infuse a mild, spicy flavor, while Magnum is a bittering cultivar from Germany, Nugget is a hop that has an heavy herbal aroma. What it all means is that, at an alcohol content of 7.2% (San Miguel’s Strong Ice variant only has 6.3%), this beer’s got a hell of a kick, so it better have the taste to match.

Just who are these Beer Angels who are pushing Pinoy men to drink more beer but want to be, as Padilla puts it, “[still] treated like a princess”?

You may remember Bela Padilla being linked to charges of racism. In March 2012, FHM Philippines released their issue with the half-British girl on the cover posing alongside two other models so dark of skin that it was way beyond sun tan; it was full-body black face. Catastrophe on the interwebz predictably ensued.

The niece of action star Robin Padilla, an alum of Star Magic, she plays the role of the bo stick-swinging Hallertau hop and confesses to trying to harness her girly side for the endorsement.

“I’ve always been boyish, so now I’m trying to get in touch with my femininity with pole dancing and other things,” Padilla said. “I don’t enjoy shopping. I go to the mall and get what I get and then that’s it. I’m trying to be more feminine; which is weird, because I’m endorsing something that real men drink!”

She plays the lead role of Magdalena (a remake of the old sexy, 70s movie) in the similarly titled TV show that airs later this year, and declares completing “God of War3” on Playstation3. Thrice, mind.

She’s like your friend’s formerly grubby little sister who grew up, got curves, and is now a bonafide hottie with the magazine cover to prove it. Formerly jailbait suddenly made fuckable. See Jim’s former babysitting charge in “American Pie: Reunion.”

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CESCA

Cesca (pronounced Chess-Kah) Litton is the waifish, videogaming girl with an adorable face, who’s so comfortable being one of the boys she likely spends more time dealing beat downs on “Tekken” than donning make-up. Up close, she’s got opulent, flawless skin.

As the Nugget hop, she may have the uncoolest name of all, but the press kit does say it brings balance to the whole concoction. Her fans are called “Cescaholics.” I kid you not. The 29-year-old host is a former SNN reporter who now co-hosts the web talk show of ABS-CBN’s Showbiz Inside Report. She does surfing, soccer, archery, gymnastics, mountain climbing, knows basic live fire gunsmanship, and is a regular at the boxing gym.

She also used to date heartthrob Jericho Rosales, but don’t let her history with Echo tarnish that nerd girl charm for you. This former host of the Universal Reality Combat Championship (URCC) can also throw down fighter stats like the best of them.

Listen: “My fave fighter is Anderson Silva. He’s so lanky, so skinny. But all of a sudden the guy he’s fighting has no idea what hit him. It’s also great that URCC is finally going to get a cage. I always felt bad for the referee who has to hold the ropes when it was still a boxing ring and the fighters would spill out near them and they have to go [mimes holding ropes] `Sige lang! Sige lang!’”

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DENISE

Lastly, Denise Maria Sanz Laurel is the whip-wielding Magnum hop. As vixenish and with jaw-dropping curves as they come, Laurel comes from political pedigree in that her grandfather was former Vice President Salvador Laurel, which means that, yes, she’s the great-granddaughter of former President Jose P. Laurel.

Growing up amid luminaries of Pinoy theater, Laurel starred in her first play when she was 5. Half-Spanish, classically voluptuous and with an exotic shade of skin, this girl represents the full-bodied flavor of the new beer variant, and raises the flag for MILFs everywhere.

Her mysteriously disappearance from an ABS-CBN drama and her later resurfacing, coupled with an admission of giving birth to a son may be the stuff of tabloid dreams, but her level of sexy remains undiminished. Exhibit A: GMA7’s teleserye Pintada.

Priced at around P16 per 330 mL can, videogames, martial arts, ball games, softcore, soap operas and a desire for chivalry are all the things naughty and nice found in the Beer Angels. Is there a disconnect here?

How very apt that, in the argument and brag that still makes up the bulwark of classic male (and Pinoy macho culture) culture (or at least the one that I grew up in) and the many twists that metrosexuality has taken, this trifecta is being marketed as a guy’s best drinking buddies.

Well, your beer buds just became a whole sight prettier. The subliminal being: you’d be one step closer throwing down the sheets with these women if you can only drink enough of the barley.

Greg Anonas IV, AB’s Alcohol Marketing Manager, hits it on the head: “Kapag masyadong malandi yung lalake, nakaka-pikon.”

I’ll take that new bromance, and damn the hangover. The girls are certainly a whole sight (and scent) better than my sweaty pals wasted on the couch, cackling about their 401ks like reciting the names of faded porn stars.

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All photos courtesy of Colt 45.

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